At home

My new cat is at home. And though I am bursting with joy I can't help but wanting to cry when I see Selena completly ignoring me.
I don't want her to feel like I replaced her, that would never, ever happen. She will always be different and special to me... no, not special, she is so much more than that, she has been my friend, my companion, my confident and my confort zone through this year.
It hurts me that she thinks that I don't love her anymore.
Anyway, Pan is home and my hope is that she in time understands that I brought him to be a friend to her as she's been a friend to me.
That's him on the pic.

R.

R. is a "friend" of mine. And when I say "friend" like this is beacuse she isn't much of a real friend: she doesn't listen to your problems when you need to let it out, she often shows a lot of jealousy when you're happy and likes to create a stir many times.

I could write a comedy book just with stories, expressions, language mistakes and so on about you R.
Geez, you need a head and culture check up a.s.a.p. girl, come on!!

You know that kind of person that by the look of her face you think like, her father as terminal cancer, her mother is a complete crack head, her brother is in a coma and her dog is blind and deaf?! And when you finally get the courage to concerningly ask what's going on she comes out with the dumbest problem ever "oh, my boyfriend is an asshole, I wanted us to go to the cinema tonight and he's not in the mood!". That's R.

I'm here laughing my ass out remenbering dozens of hilarious episodes of her, but truth is, she's the kind of person who likes to pose as dumb and "poor little thing" but she ends up getting all she wants with those weapons. She uses them with no regrets.
That's were the duality of my feelings for her lie... I don't know if I should pity her because of her obvious limitations and help her with that, or stay away from her because she is probably using me like has happened before some times... (OMG, she owes me passing in project and drawing big time...)

Believe me, dealing with R. is some crazy sh**... You need to be psycologically prepared to deal with her. You need a great deal of humour in your spirit, the patience of a devoted mother and a bit of assholeness to tell her to bugger off when she is crossing the line. If not you'll end up either spanking her to death or completly insane.

Love Stories..

I grew up loving Romeo & Juliet. I think it is so beautiful it hurts. Shows love in it's raw nature: passion, obcession, despair, complications, misundertandings, sacrifice... It is so deep and fully touches inside anyone's heart.
A few years after I discovered Bram Stoker's Dracula, another absolutly delightful story. I love the dark sexuality, the dracula caracter... well, all caracters are interesting here!
In both this stories the ending is so powerful, so meaningful and beautiful.

I saw Twilight and I also read the first book. Both the story and the movie are not my cup of tea. I like the caracters of all the Cullen family, I think they're allright, but the rest is just too insipid. When finally I realized that she becomes a vampire, has a baby and they live happily ever after... that was the final drop. Come on!! He's a freakin' vampire! You can't expect things to end well! If he sucombed to his nature and ended up killing her, that would glue me to the plot until the end.
Happily ever after stories like that you have Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella and so on, and they are far more interesting.

Anyway, I'm not saying that Twilight is total crap, it's just not for me.

First Breath

You have been so wished, wanted, desired and anxiously waited.
Now that you are here love, I wish you all that is good in this world.
Welcome!

Music

That calms me: Joke Society-Morphing Morning
My favourite: Foo Fighters-Come Alive
That I hate: Black Eyed Peas-I've got a feeling
To feel inspired: Tool- Parabol & Parabola
That means something to me: The Who- The Seeker
Guilty pleasure: Justin Timberlake: What goes around comes around (gosh, I hate pop, but this song is too good to be ignored)
That I'd like to have played at my wedding: Zero7-Destiny & Moloko-Familiar Feeling
That makes me jump: AC/DC-Thunderstruck & Them Crooked Vultures-Mind eraser
That remids me of someone: Groove Armada- My Friend
That I'd like to be played at my funeral: Foo Fighters- Aurora
From my childhood: I loved Fleetwood Mac-Rhiannon
That makes me laugh: all the songs that appear on Borat... freakin' hilarious
That I should've known earlier: Mother Love Bone- Stardog Champion
That makes me fall asleep: Moby-Porcelain (fall asleep in a good way)
That makes me feel happy: Stone Roses-Love Spreads & Jeff Buckley-Last Goodbye
That makes me feel sad: Phil Collins- Another day in paradise & Pink Floyd: Wish you were here
That I listen when I'm angry: Iron Maiden- Number of the beast (but I listen to it even when I'm not pissed of, love maiden!)
That nobody expected me to like: Chopin-Nocturne
That really makes me feel annoyed: any song from Rhianna
That I like to listen in the car: Jimi hendrix-Easy rider
That reminds me of a place: Morcheeba-the sea
That gives me a boost: Alice in Chains- Man in the Box, Pearl Jam-Evenflow, Fatboy Slim-Right here, right now
That I consider classics: Led Zepplin-Whole lotta love, Ray Charles-Night time is the right time & AC/DC-Let there be rock

How soon is now ?!

When you want time to pass quickly, the hours seem days... I wish I could turn the clock back and forward sometimes.

Good girl - Bad girl

As I was writting the previous post I was thinking about how I used to be and how I am now.
I used to be this little naive, goody-goody thing who let people step over me quite often: my family, my friends, my boyfriends, etc...
Well, that has changed! If you piss me off you can expect a kick in the ass coming your way.
I'm not saying that I'm a bad girl 24-7 but you can't expect to humiliate, lie, gossip, laugh about me and not have the same in return.
The cristian philosophy "give the other cheek" never made much sense to me but it makes even less now due to my religious choice, so don't even toss that chestnut 'cause it will hit you right in the head.

So, if you're dealing with me always have in your mind that what you give to me is what you'll have from me.

Why doesn't that surprise me...

...when I hear news from this person it's always the same...
There was a time when I felt really pissed and wanted to smack her, right now I feel bored. When people have been warned and still want to put their hand on fire, when they get burned it's their own fault.
So please don't come to me after because you'll hear a "I told you so.." .
I'm pretty tired to be discredited and people only believing me when the same happens to them. Don't want to believe me in the first place?! Then, don't F*%&/)g come to me when you're proved wrong!!
I'm not into gossiping so, when I have complaints about someone they're real, you should know me better.

Anyway, right now the only thing that my head and my heart says about this person is a bored, sad (because she's just ridiculous and pitty worth), indiferent:

Another...

... half-siamese fluff ball on the way to my home.
Cats have trully become a passion over here, I surrendered to their enchants as a young girl, my mother was the hard case.
But since Selena has come into our lives everything has changed.
Can't wait for my other baby to be old enough to bring him home, another one to sleep with me every night.

A matter of speaking...

I'm portuguese. But I write in english.
The reason why is because I feel more confortable with that language. For example, when I think, I think in english, sometimes I make a fool out of myself because, in my speech sudenly comes an english word in the middle of an entire portuguese frase, apparently my internal translator is slower than my thoughts. LOL

Also, and don't get me wrong, because I don't relate as much to my own country. Yes, I love Portugal in a lot of aspects: I love its landscapes from north to south, I love its deep conection to the sea, the food, the weather... But I don't relate to most of the people, the mentality, the way of living, the politics, etc... being shorter on the subject I love this country by its natural aspects, I hate this country because of its human aspects.

It's easier for me to express myself in english, just that.

The D word

Depression.
Some people understand it, some don't. Well, mainly the people who understand it have experienced it, as simple as this.
It has so many forms of manifestation... every case is different.
The thing that pisses me off about this is the way people who don't undertand what a depression is react to you: some think you shoud get into a psychic ward, others think that you try everyday to jump off a cliff and some just think that you're plain crazy.
Well I have news for you my ignorant friends: I NEVER tried to jump off a cliff, I definetly don't need to check myself in a psych ward and I'M NOT A LUNATIC, O.K.?!

Depression is something that came into my life when an avalanche of problems suddlenly and completly without a warning started happening to me. At first I tried to fight back at all that was happening but eventually the snow covered me entirely and I couldn't avoid sinking. I felt hopeless, worthless, miserable. It's not that I wanted to die, I just wanted to disappear.
I lost every interest I once had in things that I love, like painting, drawing, reading, listening to music, etc. The world had no interest for me at all. I felt like a vegetable and that feeling frustrated me... I wanted so hard to feel a little hint of joy in my body when all it allowed me to was apathy, sadness and sometimes pure despair.
I looked for help, and of course, it came gradually, depression won't go away as quickly as it comes to you, it takes time, effort, change, patience.
I'm still fighting it and almost winning after 4 years of pain. I've been reducing my medication, my visits to my doc are rare, and this next months I'm cutting medication for good.

If you're one of the types that I described earlier, please, inform yourself before judging others... Please respect the ones who suffer from this disease ( yes, baby, it's a DISEASE, like a flu! ), don't be an ass to them because they're in enough trouble as it is to have to deal with your stupidity and dumbness. If you can't understand... well, at least stay away and don't make it worse.

Movie Wisdom

"The things you own end up owning you.." Tyler Durden - Fight Club

I believe it's time to rethink my relationship with clothes and other things... it's time to let go.

A woman about her clothes... and shoes.

I've been organizing my wardrobe lately, I had a LOT of laundry and ironing to do.
After some time of puting clothes in there I realized that not even a single piece would fit in my wardrobe or it would explode all over my bedroom.
"How the hell I have so much things??!!" I thought. The answer is simple: we women never get enough of clothes and shoes.
We also create a strange relationship with them, even if some of them don't fit us any more or are so old that is completly embarrasing to wear them in public we can't just throw them away. "Oh, I wore this on that night", "oh this was whatever-name that gave to me", blabla blaaaaa.

It's not that we're too materialistic or futile, it's just that we have feelings for some things... and clothes and shoes are some women's favourites, well at least I speak for myself!

Disenchanted Lullaby...

... Sing me yours, I'll sing you mine.

In the end.

I don't know if I should pity your disgusting self or hate you for being so.
Anyway both feelings pop into my head when your name is spoken and it's only natural to be that way.
But more than hating you I do pity you. A lot. I wish you could be helped, you could learn, you could actually change. But that's when the hating part comes: you can't be helped because you think you're right and know what you're doing, you'll never learn because you're not able to be teached, your pride and over confidence are too high to let someone ever give you a different perspective of life and relations, listening is definetly not part of your traits... and so you'll never change.
I saw many people like you get the other side of the coin of their actions and, believe me, it's not pretty.
I know it's the worst thing it could happen to you and well, it will, you can't stop it from coming.

In the end bitch, you'll be alone.

Rant on Rain...

I do love rain.
I enjoy a nice rain storm, a good thunder and a grey day.
But this is starting to get on my nerves, enough with this weather already!!
I need sun, I need my walks, I need some color on my face, I need the mood boost that only the sun can give ASAP!

Best Friends

I'm really pissed off right now.
And on the other hand really glad.
Pissed because I saw a video on PETA about the University of Utah and what they do to animals. These freaks bring animals from shelters to do tests on them. Are you INSANE?! Have you no heart at all??? How can people who are on an UNIVERSITY and suposely EDUCATED do things like these to defenseless, sweet creatures as cats and dogs? They brought a pregnant cat from a shelter and KILLED all her kittens doing tests... To every single one who did and still does this I have 2 words:

FUCK YOU!

I'm glad, just really glad I adopetd Selena, so that she can never cross the likes of assholes like you and for the record, she's the most loyal, protective, sweet, caring, understanding friend I've EVER HAD.

Alice in Wonderland

Yesterday, as a huge Tim Burton fan that I am, I saw Alice in Wonderland
And as usual, Tim, Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter never let me down!

Grey Hair

Yesterday I found myself in front of the mirror brushing my hair and suddenly 3 beautiful white lines shined out of it.
I didn't panic like most women, in fact, I looked at my face and I was smiling.
The problem of most women with the first grey hairs on their heads is that they can't face the coming of age. Do people actually have in their minds that they will live forever and look like they did in their young years?! How square and delusioned they are...
Aside from that I find extremely offensive that people consider the coming of age as somthing negative in life... beeing older means also beeing wiser, experienced, having more knowledge.
But what could I expect from a society that completly ignores their elders??!


I love my grey hairs, and there's nothing in the world that will make me hide them or rip them off.

Cirgury...

This is the word that makes the hair on my arms stand up.
I feel unerved whenever I hear it, can't help it.
My mom has been through cirgury today. Uterus removal because of a little tumor. I know it was nothing dramatic, really but... the thought of blades and needles cutting through skin... stuff going in, stuff coming out... It's simply not natural to me... but nevertheless necessary.
I'm still shaking like a leaf and crazy worried about her although I've already seen her and she looks just fine.

Maybe all this derives from a previous "grandpa trauma"...


(photo- flickr)

"I went into the woods...

...because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practise resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life."

Henry David Thoureau


"Imagine wandering up and down the forest, without industry, without speech and without home..."

Rousseau



Most of the time that's exactly what I wish to do.
To just free myself of all the worries this "modern living" brings to your mind on a daily basis, to erase this "corruption" of souls and listen only to my own voice and what my heart really needs, to have more of what I need and less of what I want, to let go of a world where few have too much while many have nothing, to forget that I ever lived in this place where everything is turning robotic, hierarquized, emotionless, cold.

I wish I could just find a place for me with no civilization... where it could never find me.

I hate "Perfect".

I do.
I can't find any beauty in "perfect", simply because I don't relate to it.
I like imperfections, I like "different", I like "weird" and "unusual". These are the qualities that make things and people look alive, appealing and mysterious to me. They're the sugar in a cake and the salt in food.
Essential, vital.

Shiver

There are some songs that make me shiver from edge to edge.
I don't know exactly why, the song doesn't have to be "out of this world", but if it has that something, like a calling that awakes a part of me that's asleep most of the time... my body just starts responding on it's own.
This is the kind of music worth listening, that makes emotions rise out of nowhere, that makes your imagination run free, wild like an animal and awakes the most intimate, deepest, secret parts of you.

Here enters Foo Fighters (AGAIN... )

The Truth just sounds different...

Penny Lane:How old are you?
William: Eighteen.
Penny Lane: Me too! How old are we really?
William: Seventeen.
Penny Lane: Me too!
William: Actually, I'm sixteen.
Penny Lane: Me too. Isn't it funny? The truth just sounds different.
William: I'm fifteen.


Oh yeah... It does sound different. People usually just don't notice...

I am...

... very territorial. Stay out of my space if you're not invited please.
... naive and people usually take advantage of that.
... a bit too ironic.
... insecure.
... a perfectionist freak.
... generally right about my first impressions.
... crazy and not afraid to admit it.
... a full time dreamer.
... the best friend and worst enemy you can have.
... hungry for knowledge.
... stubborn when I'm sure I'm right.
... too hard on me sometimes.
... a natural born observer.
... vengeful. I can wait years if I must.
... patient. For the good and the bad.
... passionate about inumerous things.
... smiling most of the time.
... pretty f***ed up when I'm angry, but it takes a lot to get me there.
... a living "work in progress".
... a walking disaster, completly clumsy.
... a person who can say: "I love you", "I'm sorry", "please" and "help" in the right ocasions.
... joking almost all day.
... eclectic. I'm like this strange soup with bits of people, influences, icons with ingredients always being added.


...A nice person, just don't mess with me.

Fases

I'm a person of fases.
The strangest, weirdest fases you could f***ing imagine.

Fases in wich I get addicted to something, kind of like a drug... and I inject myself with it untill I OD.
The funiest thing about this is the things I get addicted to: either it's a movie, a band, a song, something to eat, drink... the stupidest things you can imagine.

Right now I'm addicted to Foo Fighters and believe me, I've been there before and not that long ago... Their albums are passing through my thoughts all day like I have an Ipod on repeat in my brain, I even dream with their music on background... oh boy, this is serious, I'm probably nuts. LOL
Anyway, in this current fase the song that most frequently pops in my head is Aurora. I just f***ing love this song, everything is perfect, those kind of songs that when ends you feel like a kid with no more ice cream left on the stick and licks it to the last tiny bit of flavour.



(Oh no... I just realised with this video how my sense of beauty is freaking weird compared to nowadays standards. I think Dave Grohl is quite an interesting man, I mean not that "perfect" "typical" kind of beauty... but to me that's what I like about him, it's how different he is, that his nose is not perfect, his mouth is not the sexiest, his body is not most defined and muscular... Gosh that's freakin' sexy!

OK, now I need to call my shrink... LOOOOOL)

Take a deep breath and... GO!

"Ma petite Amélie, vous n'avez pas des os en verre. Vous pouvez vous cogner à la vraie vie.
Si vous laissez passer cette chance, alors avec le temps, c'est votre coeur qui va devenir aussi sec et cassant que mon squelette. Alors, allez-y, nom d'un chien!"

L'Homme de Verre (Le Fabuleux Destin d'Amélie Poulain)


What the hell am I waiting for???

Raising my Voice

To every single one that ruined my f***ing Christmas.



You better learn something IF you ever want to be around me again in your own lifetime.

Love Hate.. Love

1-I love to watch the sunrise
2- I hate when my cat's on season and wakes me up at 4am with all the loud MEEEOOOOWS AND GGGRRROOOOWWWS
3-I love to smoke a cigar at my balcony enjoying the sea view
4-I hate nosy people... really do
5- I love my boyfriend's smell in the morning
6-I hate to have to give up on something
7-I love true, loud, genuine laughs
8-I hate fake smiles and fake people
9-I love to jump and scream like crazy in a concert
10-I hate my incredible bad luck
11-I love fashion but I'm not a victim
12-I hate crowds
13-I love swimming underwater
14-I hate lies especially about me
15-I love to fall asleep listening to my cat purring
16-I hate being underestimated
17-I love staring at a fireplace, completly hipnotized
18-I hate to try hard and don't make it
19-I love my mother soooo much although sometimes she pisses me off
20-I hate all the politics in my country
21-I love to research and learn about new things
22-I hate close minded people
23-I love to walk in a forest
24-I hate when someone invades my space
25-I love baking